I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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