Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
