I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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