wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
