Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
