fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
