I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My dick has a subreddit
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
