He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
