My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
