I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
