There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
