One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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