If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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