I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
