I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
