I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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