I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
