It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
