Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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