My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
