What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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