I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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