wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
