why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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