FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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