I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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