I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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