it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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