can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
