my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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