I wish I could punch you in the face.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
