remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
