but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
