she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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