Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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