i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
