Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
