well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
