end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
