I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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