This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
