Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
