I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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