i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
