So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
