she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
