I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
