OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
