i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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