the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
